The Totem Pole

[Guest]

DAKOTA TOTEMS 2028 PREVIEW BY POSITION

QB - Johnathon McBriar, the QB for the past three seasons, had trouble moving the offense in 2027, and is relegated to the bench for journeyman Brent Colombo. McBriar was alternately hot and cold during most of his time as starter, and being a Sanchez-level turnover machine led to the team putting a leash on him last season. Unfortunately, a leashed McBriar does not move the ball too well. Colombo, on the other hand, might be able to do a better job of that.

RB - The same group as last year with the exception of Jeremy Willis replacing the retired Aaron Rodstrom as position leader. J.B. Trotter and Rob Wickes, two holdovers from the 2022 championship team, are fading, aged veterans but will backup budding star Quack Duckworth at RB.

WR - In their tenth year of Foosball Wizard ownership, the Totems finally may have a stud receiver in 5th overall pick Malcolm Rowland. He does come with a red flag, but that just gives the receiving corps some Terrell Owens level panache. Rowland won't start immediately, but it won't be surprising if he earns a starting role sooner rather than later. For now, Artie Lovejoy and and last year's 5th round steal Louie Heinlein will start at WR. Gone is popular, overachieving slot receiver Bernie Jones, whose age finally caught up with him. Pat Donaghy, who spent 7 inconsistent years with the Totems was traded to Phoenix for TE Burt Shepherd and a 2nd round pick.

TE - The Totems have finally filled the void at TE left by Nate Garrett with former Phoenix TE Burt Shepherd. Behind him are former starter Rickey Bradley and rookie Sam Wilcox.

OL - The Totems failed to land an upgrade at T and the already old Craig Monroe is even older. Jeremy Register didn't play much in his first season, but he looks like a stud now and will replace longtime starter J.T. Sandage at C. Dale Shields will start at RT for the Totems after backing up Monroe last season, but he could be benched if he continues to struggle in pass protection. Project T Shaun Norton is the future, but he's not ready to play quite yet. Dustin Chorak and Martin Rice return at the G positions.

P/K - Selmon and Marcum return at kicker and punter respectively, with Kenyon Horn coming back as a KO specialist.

DL - The same solid crew led by star DE AJ Hassett and Jerome Howe returns at DL. The most solid part of the Totems.

LB - Leon Martinez's age caught up to him and he didn't make the team this year. He will be replaced by free agent acquisition Duane Alamar at WLB. Cole Motz starts his first full season as a Totem while the annually franchised Franchise Montgomery plays the Mike. Lorenzo Ferguson is a strong backup, but he'll probably remain a backup this season.

CB - Patrick Curtis, who returned for one playoff game and reliable nickle back O.J. Bridges are both gone. The starters remain the same (the solid combination of Hutchins & Troglia) along with nickle back Jumbo Raffay, who had a career year last season. After Raffay there is a steep dropoff in talent with rookie project Eugene Farnell and the elderly Tony Christmas, who is a great Christmas present for whatever receiver he is covering.

S - Rivera, May and Maiher return. Undrafted free agent Willie Altuna makes the team but probably won't see much playing time this year unless there's an injury.

[Guest]

It was a disastrous week 1 for the Totems, with the offense lacking any punch. They failed to score a TD and Columbo threw 2 interceptions, exactly what we were hoping to get away from by benching McBriar.

In week 2 the offense improved against New Orleans, but still only notched four field goals. It would have been five but for a 49 yard miss by the 88 rated Selmon who seems to have trouble on long distance kicks he should ace. Duckworth, who only notched 11 carries in week one, carried over 20 times this week. A definite recipe for success.

The defense, however, was dominant. New Orleans was shut out and they forced four turnovers. It was the first shutout by a Dakota defense since 2022, a year in which they shut teams out in consecutive games and gave up only 6 points over four weeks. Could this talented defense finally be gelling? I hope so.

[Guest]

Have I finally gotten my defensive mojo back? I've always felt my defense is pretty talented, although it doesn't compare to the amazing secondary I had during the Totems' "golden years." Right now we're the #1 defense in the league, though, both in yardage allowed and scoring.

Only problem is our offense is 31st in the league. Are we going to have to do this old school Baltimore Ravens style? That's not really my style, but I'll take it.

Toying with the idea of starting Rowland over Heinlein at WR. Heinlein is a dropper at 55 current, Rowland is a creeper with 40 current. Rowland has less RR but much better GD/BPR.

What I really need to do is probably open up my offense just a little bit more. At least we scored TDs this week... Las Vegas shredded us last season 35-3, so this was a big victory for us.

[Guest]

We're 5-3 going into our bye with a 2 game lead in the division. The offense looked pretty rough early on but it has come into its own a little. They're definitely not a group that lights up the scoreboard, but they are efficient and play to the strength of the team: our defense. Rowland improves every week and we're finally getting a little production out of our TE position thanks to Burt Shephard's arrival.

The defense has been very strong this year, with the only total hosings it took being against Boston and Camden with A.J. Hassett out. Jerome Howe was injured last week and will be out until the playoffs, so the young DT Wesley Draper who we just acquired will be forced into action. He looks really good, but he's raw. He notched a sack and a hurry in his first game vs North Liberty.

This team kind of reminds me of my 2022 championship team, except there's more talent on offense and less talent on the defense. That is a little misleading though, since the secondary on the 2022 team was AMAZING and this team's secondary is just pretty good, since my safeties are pretty average, unlike the old pairing of George Harper and Roosevelt Dunn at S. However, A.J. Hassett is the best pass rusher we have ever had. J.B. Hughes, who was fading in 2022, was only adequate at that point.

One thing that this team doesn't have that the 2022 one had on offense though is cohesion. Offensive cohesion is very low on the Totems. The defense, however, is getting there. It's going to be strong for years to come.

If we ever get a really strong QB on this team I'll start talking dynasty.

[Guest]

We're at 6-3 and leading our division. Our defense has been stellar this year, despite the loss of Jerome Howe: 3rd in yardage allowed, 6th in points allowed, and 2nd in pass rush %. However, injuries continue to mount. The Totems suffered 3 key injuries in a huge victory over South Maryland, and will be without star CB Chris Hutchins for 4 weeks due to a concussion. Hard to see the defense keeping things up at the same level since Hutchins has been stellar this year, with a 94% PD rating.

The offense will be without starting RT Dale Shields and starting QB Brent Columbo for two weeks. Johnathon McBriar will be dusted off to start the next game, despite nearly being traded in the preseason. He performed adequately in relief of the injured Columbo against South Maryland, but we know that he can be quite the turnover machine. All he needs to do is keep it together for a week or two until Columbo returns.

Malcolm Rowland has been invisible the past couple weeks, with one catch for 11 yards on 9 targets. Will McBriar be able to get him the ball more than Columbo? TE Burt Shepherd has picked up the slack, with 17 catches over the past five weeks. It's nice to have a "real" TE again!

[Guest]

im glad "Shep" is doing well and im still in shock that Donnahy is leading the team in yards

[Guest]

im glad "Shep" is doing well and im still in shock that Donnahy is leading the team in yards

Donaghy has had some monstrous performances for me. The 5 catch 31 yard ones were maddening, though. :)

He doesn't really fit in the offense I'm running right now, so I'm glad I sent him somewhere that he could still flourish! Shepherd fits in much better with my current offense.

[Guest]

We suck! Nothing more to say.

[Guest]

We suck! Nothing more to say.

Compared to old Brooklyn, you're pretty damned awesome.

[Guest]

Compared to his efficient mop up effort when Columbo went down the previous week, McBriar's 1st start of the year against St. Paul didn't go so well. He managed to not throw any interceptions, but completed below 50% of his passes and fumbled the ball three times, fortunately losing only one. The defense gave St. Paul's rookie QB fits, but the offense couldn't do enough to win the game for Dakota despite another good effort without stars Chris Hutchins and Jerome Howe in the lineup. Wes Pimentel is finally coming into his own as a rotational, pass rushing defensive end, and Leslie Troglia and Jumbo Raffray are holding down the fort at CB until Hutchins returns.

One game lead in the division and we may need to win it to secure a playoff birth. Only about 3 more games until we get Hutchins back, and we may get Howe back sometime in the playoffs. Elderly Craig Monroe will get one more start at tackle before Dale Shields returns from injury to reclaim his starting job.

[Guest]

We're at 6-3 and leading our division. Our defense has been stellar this year

Famous last words?

[Guest]

Famous last words?

I was fearing it would end up that way, but they've kept it up despite the absence of Hutchins and Howe. It's all about that A.J. Hassett!

[Guest]

Another nice defensive effort wasted by our poor offense. Duckworth is hurt going into week 16 with a sprained knee but we have to play him to have a chance to make the playoffs. Artie Lovejoy continues to be bafflingly awful after starting off his career with a couple good seasons.

Just need Columbo to Mark Sanchez his way into the playoffs while the defense carries him.

[Guest]

Six weeks ago, it looked like we'd win the division. Then a 1-5 run highlighted by a couple heartbreaking, close losses and sub par offensive play will leave us out of the playoffs for the first time in a few years.

I thought I could make it work with Brent Columbo this year, but evidently I was very very wrong. He didn't even take care of the ball much better than McBriar. The defense was strong all year, despite spending a good deal of it without Chris Hutchins and Jerome Howe, but our offense killed us.

Due to his monster contract (which I presciently gave with a low bonus), Columbo will probably not be back next year. We'll be going with one of the other guys on our roster or a newcomer, who hopefully can use the offensive talent I've built up.

Next year we shall be better, Totems fans!

[Guest]

***SEASON REVIEW 2028***

Starting this year, I will begin every season review by awarding an MVP award to one player and RIBBONS OF SHAME to another.

MVP: A.J. Hassett. You, sir are a gentleman, a scholar, and an elite pass rusher.

(Runner up: Quack Duckworth)

However the winner of the RIBBONS OF SHAME is....

BRENT COLUMBO, FOR DESTROYING OUR SEASON WITH POOR PLAY, DESPITE BEING PAYED OODLES OF MONEY, AFFINITY, AND SOME TALENT AROUND HIM WITH THE ENTIRE OFFENSE SCULPTED AROUND HIS SKILLSET.

WEAR THEM WITH PRIDE, COLUMBO. LIKE THIS:



(Runner up: Artie Lovejoy, the master of the drop and the 3 yard reception.)


We started 6-3 and finished 1-6. We suffered some injuries (Mostly Hutchins and Howe) on defense, but despite that, the defense was excellent. The offense, on the other hand, struggled to attain "average" status. It managed to do so more often early in the season, but late in the season it completely flopped. It's pretty clear why too: QUARTERBACK!

QBs - Brent Columbo came in a mostly non-guaranteed monster contract to run an offense featuring short passing and Will Duckworth, and to help him out we put double affinity on him. Yet, he sucked. So we put triple affinity on him. He still sucked! He only performed slightly better than McBriar with a similar propensity for turning the ball over via interception. Fortunately, he didn't fumble as much as McBriar, except that one time when it cost us the game with 28 seconds left. OUT THE DOOR WITH YOU, COLUMBO! Next year McBriar gets his job back or we acquire someone else.

RBs Duckworth and greybeards. J.B. Trotter will probably be welcomed back next year if he doesn't retire, and even the elderly Rob Wickes could stick. D.J. Moss is our fullback until he dies. Decent year for Duckworth, but not great. What might have been J.B. Trotter's last two games featured decent performances, including a clutch 40+ yard run that almost pulled the game out for us in week 16.

WRs Malcolm Rowland took the starting position over from last year's 5th round find Louie Heinlein around week 4-5 and flashed some potential, despite being limited by our quarterbacks. Artie Lovejoy continued to struggle mightily, and for kicks he dislocated his shoulder in week 17. What happened to the guy who lit up the league in his 2nd year? 6th year WR Troy Barnhill was on the field for 227 passing plays this season, after only participating in 172 passing plays during his first 5 years in OSFL.

TEs Burt Shepherd came in and gave us a solid TE for the first time in years, but behind him are the aging and mediocre Rickey Bradley and an "ehhh, maybe" rookie named Sam Wilcox.

OT Dale Shields held up as our starting RT and Craig Monroe, unhappily coming off the bench in what is probably his swan song, performed alright too. Sean Burton doesn't seem to be quite the road grader he was after coming back from two broken legs last season, but he was still adequate. Project T Shaun Norton will hopefully be a starter for us someday.

C/G Jeremy Register came back from the offseason as a monster center and I'm damned glad to have him now. Just what Duckworth needs! Dustin Chorak has gone back to his underperforming ways, leading the team in sacks allowed. Martin Rice is resigned for 3 more years and Jamal Dotson has grown into a solid backup.

P/K 100/100 Seldon continues to be bafflingly inaccurate from 40+ yards. Maybe I need a better holder/LS? Brady Marcum continues to overperform at punter, but since he was a big creeper maybe he's still better than his ratings say.

DLAnother great year from A.J. Hassett who notched 11 sacks, and decent supporting acts by Wes Pimentel and Kyle Ackerman. Jeffrey Gaylor isn't spectacular as a rotational DE, but he gets the job done. We lost Jerome Howe for most of the year, but we gained young Wesley Draper, who seems massively underrated and gave us a lot more pass rush than we expected after Howe went down. FA acquisition Buddy Abrams struggled in his limited time, Cedric Caldwell was his old solid self.

LB Will we be able to afford Franchising Roderick "Franchise" Montgomery again next year? Well, probably. It's ridiculous but he pretty much does everything I want my MLB to do, so I'll keep paying him. Cole Motz is the best LB we've had since our bowl team and Duane Alamar will be welcomed back as WLB if he wishes. Lorenzo Ferguson could start for some teams, but as long as the franchise is here, he just rotates in at WLB and MLB.

CBs This area was thin on depth IMO and it got tested when Chris Hutchins went down. Eugene Farnell and Morris Browning responded well, as did Leslie Troglia who took over the #1 CB role. Jumbo Raffray, who was magnificent last year, really regressed this year.

S Rivera, May and Maiher are all solid but not spectacular players who will return next season. I always expect a little more out of Maiher, but I guess that high zone doesn't compensate for his lower other coverage bars, even at FS.

Season Grade: C-. This team really underachieved, but they were at least near .500 with an excellent defense.